


Middle School Faculty in Drag

by GoodQueenVold



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: 2004, Bad Poetry, F/M, Gen, I Am Sorry For Being 14, I was apparently bored in school, M/M, Other, Parody, Randomness, Really Outdated Parodies, Stupidity, written in 2004
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 14:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9662018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodQueenVold/pseuds/GoodQueenVold
Summary: What happens when a twisted author combines clichéd stories, random humour, and illiterate nose loaves? Only insanity and the destruction of your brain cells. Not for the sane or anyone whose middle name is Beleg. (Sequel to High School Faculty in Drag.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Universal Disclaimer that Applies for Every Chapter: I'm a pessimistic and incredibly funkadelic mountain climber with webbed feet and a unibrow. Do you really think I own Lord of the Rings and a pair of pants? I took some lines from the book... bite me.

\---Chapter One – Aragorn/Legolas Slash---

**Chapter One – The Confessions of a Fruity Silvan Elf**

"Stay out of daddy's garden, you hemispheric poltergeist!" Aragorn yelled at the crazy and unknown nutter in his long-dead father's garden, where he grew Cabbage Patch dolls and minivans. Aragorn Crystal was very protective over this garden, considering that food was scarce after the war. Only Eru knows why someone would want to eat a minivan, though.

"But I'm hungry, my lady!" the creature protested. As the dude stepped into the light, Aragorn recognised him as Legolas, daughter of Thranduil, everyone's favourite greeble. The King always secretly thought that Legolas was as sexy as an igneous rock, but he kept his feelings inside because he didn't want to hurt Arwen's feelings. In fact, he and the rabbitlike Elf were going to be married the next morning, and this made everyone in Gondor feel like cowardly ladies named Felipe consuming the evolution theory.

"Get out of my garden!" he yelled again, this time pulling 'darling Leggie's' over-shampooed hair. Legolas fell to the ground and wailed like a quiet absolutism fiend from Near Harad. "Oh, I'm sorry, Legolas. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I also don't mean to meddle in your business, but what are you doing here?"

Legolas sniffled. "I forgive you because I love you in a romantic way. I wanted to look through that yonder window and watch your every move because I am an obsessive stalker who collects the pelts of hairy Dunlendings."

Aragorn was flattered! Legolas loved him?! "I love thee."

"Do you really?" Legolas questioned. "I thought you loved that rabbit."

"Rabbits are food, not wives, Leggikins. I have had feelings for you ever since I saw you break dancing at that karaoke club in Rohan."

Legolas and Aragorn snogged, and both of them wished that Arwen and the word 'bosom' didn't exist.

**Chapter Two – A Wedding Gone Wrong**

_A priest I be_   
_I can see_   
_That Arry and Arwen love_   
_Each other and a dove._

_I be a priest_   
_I have an infection of yeast_   
_I marry people_   
_And bungee jump off steeples._

_I be a priest_   
_Who watches 'Beauty and the Beast'_   
_I pray for these almost married gits_   
_I need to shave my armpits._

_Earth to earth and dust to dust_  
 _I don't like pizza crust_  
 _If you have any objections to this marriage_  
 _Shut up and eat a carriage_.

Yes indeedy, that priest from High School Faculty in Drag returned after hosting the Sacred Heart Halloween Shin Dig... unfortunately. Aragorn and Arwen's wedding was taking place in a muddy field full of port-a-potties and scientific niggle-swappers. When no one came forward to object to this multi-species union, Aragorn began to worry. He did not want to marry Arwen, and both he and Legolas were too scared to admit that they were in love.

"Mister priest, sir," Elladan, everyone's favourite lumpkin, said. "I object to this marriage. My sister is in no way worthy of the honour to be married to the heir of some corrupted dude, nor is he worthy enough to marry her Elven fouz. The King has a crush on Legolas Carlie, daughter of Thranduil!"

"Aragorn Crystal!" Arwen shrieked. "Is this true?"

He blushed like a grasshopper using the distributive property. "Yes."

"I hate you, you sardonic cyclops with a lisp!" Arwen ran away as she sobbed, and Aragorn had a feeling that she was going back to Rivendell to wed her father.

Legolas came forward and took Arry's hand. "Yet I will wed with the Fruity King of Gondor, if it be his will. And if he will, then let us crossdress by the river and in happier days let us dwell in fair Hades and there have a garden. All things will die with joy there, if my snookums comes."

"I hear wedding bells!" Éomer exclaimed. He began to preach, because that's a silly tradition the author started.

_I walked through talking pastures_   
_Full of mean and angry men,_   
_I walked through foreign countries_   
_To find a lonely hen._   
_I traveled up raging streams_   
_That looked a lot like figs,_   
_I wandered far in scary forests,_   
_Longing to slaughter pigs._   
_I ate animated snowboards for dinner_   
_And I attacked a beauty pageant winner._   
_I climbed the road of freedom,_   
_Often falling on my ass,_   
_I broke into an elementary school,_   
_And disturbed a first grade class._   
_I met a man named Upchuck,_   
_He was wearing a shirt of yellow._   
_I went to the beach_   
_And poisoned dear old Longfellow._   
_What a poor whale, I do recall,_   
_He always helped the homeless and cut study hall._   
_I walked through a door to happiness,_   
_Where everyone is free,_   
_But now I must walk through another door_   
_Because I have to pee._

**Chapter Three – Stupidness**

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Legolas asked, smiling at his husband/wife. "I need to know before I pursue my dream of becoming a marine biologist."

"Woodchucks don't chuck wood, snookums."

"But what if they did?"

"Then they'd chuck a lot of it."

Then, without warning, that huge shark called Jaws broke into their home and ate them alive because Voldie got tired of writing pointless slash. The exceptionally quacktastic end.


	2. Cliche #2: Legolas/OC

** Elrond's Other Daughter Legomance **

Quaxarwen Seahorse Monarchy Spacesuit VII was an unusual girl, and she was the prettiest Elf ever, despite the fact that this is how the author describes every Sue she creates. Quaxarwen, called 'Quaxie' by her friends and those sandy mascots, had long, shiny, radiant red hair that shone in the moonlight. She also had pale blue eyes that reminded Glorfindel of sausage. This disturbing maiden pulled a Gríma and shaved her eyebrows because she wanted to look 'like super cool.'

_ Be cool. Stay in school. _

Quaxie was the second daughter and favourite gooseplop of Elrond. Her twin sister, Arwen Starfish Bureaucracy Spandex XIV, loathed her and cursed her with many igfrads and clear protractors doing a lively jig. Elrond's little gooseplop lived a life of angst in a cage on the streets of Rivendell, begging for food, love, and unwaxed ears.

One day, a certain messenger from Mirkwood came to town on 'important business,' though most thought that he was there to purchase tampons. Legolas Carlie skipped through the streets, singing show tunes and attempting to apply mascara simultaneously. When 'darling Leggie' saw Quaxie in the cage, he pitied her and longed to drown Batman.

"Good day, sir," Legolas said to Quaxie as he approached her cage. "Why are you in that thing?"

"I am trying to summon the turquoise demons within my grandmother's large walk-in closet," she replied. "I think they have been summoned. Please release my dear fouz and tell me your name."

"Call me Professor Snape," he said, unlocking the cage and walking away from the insanely ugly freak. Quaxie ran behind him, trying to get a closer look and unsnap his bra.

"Professor Snape!" she cried. "Where are you going?"

Legolas scowled. "My name isn't Severus Snape! It's Legolas Carlie, daughter of Thranduil, and I'm going to the Council. You're coming too, because your strict father is so lenient with you. You're going to join the quest and find love in me, even though you currently hate me and wish for me to get slaughtered by a falsely sympathetic balloon named Luisa."

"I hate you!" Quaxie yelled. " _Begone, foul pants-wearer, lord of all things concerning pants! Leave the depantsed in peace!_ "

"Thou punctual and polyester-filled athlete on maternity leave," Legolas spat. He continued on his way, leaving a sobbing Quaxie behind. She loved him, but she didn't know how she could survive many months of 'teh fello-ship!'

** …A Few Months Later… **

Legolas, Quaxie, and the other members of the Fellowship of the Hungry Bobsleds were spending a few days in Moria, hunting for Obi Wan Kenobi’s missing beard. It had run away twelve years ago in a fiasco concerning Théoden, a stack of pancakes, and the bloodthirsty hypotenuse living in Denethor's wardrobe.

Anyhoodle, Legolas and Quaxie were the only ones awake because they drank too much coffee and were avid fans of Blue's Clues. The scary Silvan Elf held the creepy and nonexistent daughter of Elrond in his embrace. They had learned to love each other over the past few months, and that made everyone as happy as disembowled penguin holocausts writing morbid poetry.

Quaxie looked up at her lover, who liked to party with meticulous slices of chemistry. "If I were watching a horror movie, and then a corrupt park ranger joyfully jumped out of some bushes and set a miniature golf course on fire, knocking me out in the process… would you still love me?"

"Of course, Quaxie-Waxie Romantic Wobble-Bottom," he whispered, kissing her isolated sugar mallet.

Just then, before anything could get more romantic or the readers got tired of this overly clichéd cliché, some crazy mother driving a forest green minivan ran Quaxie over.

**...The EPILOGUE!... **

_ Quaxarwen Seahorse Monarchy Spacesuit VII  _ died, you dum-dum. She lived happily ever after in a large pit full of fire and abusive circus clowns.

_ Legolas _ , who was depressed after his lover's death, trotted back to Mirkwood in nothing but a torn sundress from JCPenney's. He, too, kicked the bucket several months after his return because he inhaled too much hot chocolate mix.

_ Elrond Half-Elven _ sold his soul on EBay.

_ Arwen Starfish Bureaucracy Spandex XIV  _ married Eorl the Young and became the first Elf in history to mock a lady named Marcelo.

_ Voldie _ likes lemurs. She stopped writing this and went off to the zoo to pet one.


End file.
